“You’re even more beautiful in person!” You haven’t seen anything…

You have to learn to see the beauty beyond your partner’s skin. Many people who meet my wife say, “You’re even more beautiful in person than on TV!” I know they’re referring to Cristiane’s physical beauty, besides her smile and graciousness.

But they don’t see the beauty I see. Things like the pleasure she feels in making other people happy, sharing the goodness she has to offer them. When I see her eyes sparkling, her persistence in doing good, her joy in knowing that she made a difference in someone’s life – that’s when I see a deeper beauty, beyond her skin. It’s beauty within her soul. It makes me happy because that beauty won’t wither away with time.

If you don’t learn how to find your partner’s inner beauty, your marriage is doomed to routine, boredom and indifference towards each other.

• Jealousy is a sign of injustice
• A woman’s balancing act (Live in London)
• Introducing: The Incompatible Partner!
• 20 years of marriage (2): The curse & the decision
• 20 years of marriage (1): Gum in your hair

We shape ourselves according to the role models or standards we esteem. On the cover of magazines, women are presented with a standard of beauty. Advertising, in all its forms, announces, the “best,” “ideal,” “top-of-the-line,” “new” product, service or lifestyle for people to adopt. Even the Bible presents men and women as role models of faith and examples.

This is how human beings work. From childhood, we learn to film everything and everyone around us. And the role models and standards which impact us the most end up programming us to follow them. It’s no surprise that our parents and our childhood dictate practically 90% of our behavior for the rest of our lives. In truth, we don’t like to admit this. In our heads, we’re independent, free and further ahead than our parents. Yet, all it takes is a sincere self-examination of our behavior in order to see what we don’t want to see. To project what we see and learn into our behavior is inevitable, unless an intervention takes place.

Intervention, how so?

When you wake up to the fact that you have followed, not simply one but various role models and standards in your life, you can use your intelligence and judge if they are worth imitating or not. You can ask yourself: do I need to suffer in diet after diet, take pills to get skinnier, and have plastic surgeries to look like Photoshopped models? If I don’t wear designer clothes, will I not be in style? Is that “successful man,” who’s an expert at business but a failure at marriage, really a role model for my happiness? Does the behavior I saw in my father have to determine my behavior for the rest of my life?

When you identify negative role models and standards which influence you, you can consciously reject them and look for other standards, better and more productive ones.

This is a conscious decision only you can make. It’s difficult to make a change. It takes time. It requires breaking paradigms. Sometimes only divine intervention can accomplish these changes.

But one thing is certain: you will always follow a standard, a role model in life, good or bad, willingly or not. The good news is you can choose which you want to follow.

Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.
– Paul of Tarsus 1 Corinthians 11.1

]]> http://www.renatocardoso.com/en/youre-not-as-independent-as-you-think/feed/ 2 http://www.renatocardoso.com/en/do-the-little-things-count/ http://www.renatocardoso.com/en/do-the-little-things-count/#comments Tue, 21 May 2013 19:50:44 +0000 rkrocha http://www.renatocardoso.com/en/?p=3957  

For this episode, Love Talk looks at the little things we take for granted in our relationships. The words we never say because we assume our partners don’t need to hear them because they know how we feel. They are joined by Nigel and Jenny Heath, marriage coaches, that have written a book called ‘Let’s talk LOVE’.

I believe it’s more than proven, tested and understood that marriage is not easy. Getting married is easy; remaining married is not so easy. In some places, the rate of failure is 60%.

So, I don’t have to argue my point. The numerous amount of divorces, and couples who remain unhappily married, confirm my thesis.

Marriage, even when the most important factors are aligned, is hard. Even when the couple’s culture is similar; their level of intellect is compatible; they have common objectives; their ages (maturity) comes close; their upbringing doesn’t cause conflicts; their religious beliefs are the same… Still, the couple is destined to face difficulties associated with living together.

What frightens me is that a lot people choose to make it even harder and complicate what’s already difficult by nature.

It’s not enough for them to marry someone who is naturally different. One is a man, the other is a woman. One likes the beach, the other likes the countryside. No, that’s not enough. They want something even more difficult, more challenging.

They want to marry someone of a totally different faith than theirs. They want to be mother to a soccer team, but marry someone who doesn’t like kids.

In short, they want to complicate things not simplify them.

And guess what they get in return? You guessed it. Complications.

Of course there are always exceptions. I can already see the comments: “I and my husband/wife are very different but we’re happy. We are able to overcome our differences.” Good for you. I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions, or that it’s impossible for complicated marriages to end up well. But I ask you: what if you had to have a delicate surgery done by a Doctor who has a 90% rate of failure, in other words, 90% of his patients end up dead, would you get under the knife?

To my single friends:

When you are choosing who to marry, use your head over your heart. If you let your heart decide, it won’t let you think of the consequences. It’ll choose someone who makes you feel good today, right now. Hearts don’t care about tomorrow. That’s why people marry then divorce later on; because it was a decision of the heart, not of the mind.

If you choose with your head, you will analyze the person’s situation well before you allow your heart to become involved sentimentally.

Whoever chooses with their head, overjoys their heart and saves themselves the aggravation later on. Whoever chooses with their heart will have momentary joy and later suffer a headache (and heartache) for a long time.

If you can still choose, alleviate, don’t complicate.

• How to know if s/he is right for you (p.5)
• What love REALLY IS
• A woman’s balancing act (Live in London)
• The heel of the loaf of bread
• Man up! (3)

Men. Intelligent.™

Challenge #21

Don’t start before completing Challenge #20
If you want to join the IntelliMen Project, start from Challenge #1.

Challenge: Begin every day this week like King David.

Explanation: Revered by many even today, King David left numerous examples of how to be (as well as how not to be) an intelligent and successful man. One of the habits which epitomized his character was prayer. The book of Psalms is full of examples that flow from the heart of this shepherd, military hero, fugitive, sinner, father, husband and king.

He knew the power of prayer to orient, protect, deliver and conquer. That’s why he had the habit of starting the day speaking to God. In Psalms 5 he said:

My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord; In the morning
I will direct it to You, And I will look up.

This week you’re going to put this into practice. You will program yourself to spend a couple of minutes before God in prayer at the beginning of the day. Get out of bed, wash your face, brush your teeth… in short, you should be awake – then you’ll go to a private place, where you can be alone with God, and speak to Him there. Thank Him for another day. Ask Him for direction in your life. Put your plans before Him. Surrender your worries over to Him. Pray for whoever needs help. Ask for God to provide your daily bread. Praise Him for everything he’s done for you. Pray and ask that you don’t fall into temptation, and be delivered from evil.

How long should this prayer take? Jesus said that it’s not about the quantity of words that we will be heard. So, it doesn’t have to take very long. Three, five, ten minutes… It depends on what’s flowing inside of you. Instead of worrying about the clock, you should worry about emptying your heart before Him.

(Obviously, our hope is that you will perceive the good this will do and continue practicing it beyond one week, until it turns into a habit. But that’s on you.)

Perhaps you already have this habit of praying daily. Great. In this case, your challenge is to take a couple extra minutes during another time and do this. For one week.

Notebook: At the end of the seven days, write about how you felt practicing this early in the morning. What were the results, how did it help you in regards to you, in your relationship towards others, and at your job.

Official Partner: Remember to include your partner in your prayers this week.

Deadline: You may begin working on this task immediately and complete it before Challenge #22 which will be launched a week from now.

Post: After – and only after – you have completed the challenge, post your comments – on the IntelliMenWorld Facebook or Twitter page, (not on your own page) and write the following:

IntelliMen Challenge #21 done: I began my days like King David. (Add more to the comment if you want.)

Links:
www.facebook.com/IntelliMenWorld
www.twitter.com/intellimenworld (when tweeting, use @intelliMenworld)

Verification Checklist

☐ I prayed at the beginning of the day, every day
☐ I prayed for my partner
☐ I wrote the results in my Notebook
☐ I posted the comment on Facebook/Twitter

Days ago a woman was raped inside a moving bus in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The abuse lasted 40 minutes as the animal terrorized the passengers and motorist, threatening to kill them in case someone did anything or she didn’t submit to his demands.

There seems to be no limit to evil. Every day, agents of evil, creatures who can only be labeled as demons in person, surpass the limits of horror as they perform evil acts.

Yet this is not what worries me the most. It’s a given that people full of evil will practice evil. What worries me most is the inactivity of good people.

Where are all the good people being brave, daring, and surprising every one by showing just how far they’ll go to do what’s right?

 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12.21

How brave have you been to do what’s good?

It’s a new day!

Every morning means a renewed guarantee that yesterday is over, and here is another opportunity to start over.

You can begin a new story right now; it doesn’t matter how the story of your life has been up to yesterday. This opportunity is divine. Everything can change from now on, if you begin to change your actions.

That’s all you need. Different actions from the ones you took yesterday.

Different words.
Different friends.
Different habits.
Different routines.
Change in your behavior.
See yourself in a different way.
Look forward, no more looking to the past.

Today is a new day. This is good news.

Use this opportunity as much as possible. One day it will be over.

Men. Intelligent.™

Challenge #20

Don’t start before completing Challenge #19.
If you want to join the IntelliMen Project, start from Challenge #1.

Challenge: Find out your area of excellence and develop it.

Explanation: It was King Solomon who said: Do you see a man who excels in his work? He will stand before kings; He will not stand before unknown men. ¹ What does this mean? Basically, the man who is good at what he does will be in demand, he will always be on top, he will gain recognition and lots of money. Doesn’t this sound like an IntelliMan?

Alright, perhaps it’s not money and recognition you’re after. In truth, those who excel at their work do so because they love what they do.  They are pleased to develop that talent. They know their work is valuable to many. He sees himself as a servant of the people, a problem solver, someone who makes the world a better place through his work. That’s why he’s recognized and paid well – not because he seeks money or recognition.

Daniel was this way. He stood out between 120 of the best men because an excellent spirit was in him; and the king gave thought to setting him over the whole realm.² Joseph was like this also.³ Even as a slave, to bad masters, he did his best and stood out from all men even free ones. And he was exalted above the rest.

Everyone can be excellent even if only at one thing. Messi is an excellent soccer player, Steven Spieldberg at films, Jonanthan Yve (the guy who designs products for Apple) at design. Bishop Macedo is excellent at courageous faith and intelligence. Obviously these men weren’t born this way. They found their talent, their calling, they believed in themselves, and put all their strength into developing it. That’s why today they are who they are, and are where they are. Your challenge, this week, is to identify your area of excellence and begin to do more in order to develop it. Perhaps you already know what it is, and simply need to develop it. So, think about what you will do in order to become the best, an expert, to excel in that area.

If you don’t know your area of excellence, so first of all you need to identify it. Normally an area of excellence is something that (1) you have an inclination towards or naturally like to do; (2) something that others compliment you on the result; (3) and it’s sufficiently valued by a number of people that would be happy to reward your work financially (so, playing video games does not qualify… unless it’s your job.)

Notebook: While meditating on this challenge, write one or more areas of excellence and what you’ll do in order to develop one. Write in your notebook. Do at least one thing this week in order to develop it.

Official Partner: Speak to your Partner about your areas of excellence. Exchange ideas and feedback.

Deadline: You may begin this task immediate and complete it before Challenge #19 which will be launched a week from now.

Post: After – and only after – you have completed the challenge, post your comments – on the IntelliMenWorld Facebook or Twitter page, (not on your own page) and write the following:

IntelliMen Challenge #20 done: I identified my area of excellence and what I will do to develop it. (Add more comments if you wish.)

 Links:
www.facebook.com/IntelliMenWorld
www.twitter.com/intellimenworld (when tweeting, use @intelliMenworld)

Verification Checklist

☐ I identified my area of excellence
☐ I did something to develop it this week
☐ I spoke to my partner about the challenge
☐ I posted my comments on Facebook/Twitter

[1] Proverbs 22.29
[2] Daniel 6.3
[3] Genesis 41.38-41

Last part of the series, “How to define a vision for your life.”  Read the first part here.

Now that you have defined the four things that will contribute in making your vision come true, you are ready to begin. Simply having completed the three tasks up to now it should have made you feel more motivated, focused and hopeful that your life will truly change. This is the sign that you are on the right track.

What to do now?

Now it’s time to separate the enthusiasts from the committed. Those who are full of talk but no action and the serious.

Take another good look at the things you wrote on the paper for the last task. Look at the dates. Take one more trip to the future and see those things coming true. I’m serious: go get the list and do this. Then come back. I’ll wait.

…

Now ask yourself a question: Am I committed to doing at least one thing per day in order to bring me closer to one of these objectives?

Think before you answer. The proposal is for you to do at least one thing for each one of these four objectives every day. It can be anything that is going to help you take a step in their direction. Every day. No exceptions.

Let me remind you that:

You eat every day. Drink every day. Sleep every day. Probably check your e-mails and Facebook every day. Hear, read or watch the news every day. Speak on the phone every day. Take a shower every day. And do a whole lot of other things every day. Some of them are not even necessary, but you somehow find time.

So, every day you can do at least one thing in regards to your objectives, if you can, and if you want.

Clearly some days you’ll do more and others less. But, it’s not a matter of how much you’re going to do, but that you do something every day.

“You can’t even go one day without doing something? What if something unexpected happens?”

Yes, there will be days like these. But you can’t intentionally slack off because you feel lazy or decide to procrastinate; the day that you do this you will be sabotaging your vision. One thing is certain: one day of slacking off can lead to another, then three, and then pretty soon you will give up all together.

So, if you’re not COMMITED, stop right now and don’t do another thing. Perhaps you’ll understand someday the importance of having a vision and working tirelessly to make it happen.

I guarantee you one thing: if you’re ready to make a COMMITMENT with yourself, you’re going to start using a new notebook, a diary, an agenda or something similar, and you’re going to write or paste the four things in the first page. Right after, you will write:

I, __________________________ am committed to doing at least one thing that will lead me closer to each one of my objectives, every day.

Sign your name underneath. And from now on, write daily in your diary:

What I did today in order to get closer to objective number 1:
What I did today in order to get closer to objective number 2:
What I did today in order to get closer to objective number 3:
What I did today in order to get closer to objective number 4:

If you didn’t do anything towards reaching your objectives on a certain day, write “nothing.” Obviously if you start to write this frequently, it’s a sign that you’re really not committed. Re-evaluate your commitment or vision.

And don’t forget to always pray and present your projects to God.

 Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established. Proverbs 16:3

I would really like to receive comments on your experience after following the steps instructed here. It can be now, if you want to write about what has helped you in these last four posts. After you reach your vision as well, even if you only come back a year from now to write about your story.

I will be praying for you. Be blessed!

Part three of the series, “How to define a vision for your life.” Read the first part here.

Up to now you’ve completed two very important steps. In the first part, you captured all your hopes and dreams on paper, those desires that would pop up in your head from time to time. If you did the task as we instructed, your list should be quite extensive almost unattainable. Don’t worry. Dreaming is important. Those who didn’t write a lot are the ones that should be worried.

From there you took the next step and traveled into the future. Through the eyes of faith you saw the life that you want to have on a certain date. You saw the colors, smelled the smells, heard the sounds, touched the things and tasted how your dream will taste. Now you have an idea of what you want, and you captured it on paper.

Now you’re ready to take the third step: Prioritize the four most important things on the list you wrote. Review the list again. Out of everything you wrote and saw, what are the most important things that you would like to achieve? Write an “x” next to them.

Most likely you’ll notice that there are things you can’t achieve before others, in other words, there’s a natural order of things that has to be followed. You’ll then see that some things are more significant than others, once they’re conquered, the smaller ones will practically follow along as a consequence. Some things are more urgent and others can wait.  And there are even some which will bring greater benefits and satisfaction.

In short, you will prioritize, using the above criteria, focus your strength on four things maximum. One or two is not enough, three or four is good, more than this would be too much to pursue at one time.

So, showing no mercy, and strictly using  your intelligence, look at your list and define the four things that you will prioritize and fight to achieve. Don’t forget that everything should have a deadline – the date you intend to accomplish it. (They can be different dates.)

Four things, each with a clear deadline.

Do this, and I’ll see you on the last post tomorrow.

Here’s some more spiritual intelligence for you:

• How to define a vision for your life
• Where are you going?
• Traveling into the future
• Nobody uses shoes
• The three masons